Clean, family friendly, office safe humor

Darwin awards

Wise sayings

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let em’ go, ’cause man, they’re gone!!

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you are a mile away and you have their shoes!!

When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!!

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face!!

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they’d never expect it.

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you can not do!!

The light at the end of the tunnel is a freight train.

Opportunity knocks, but temptation kicks the door down.

When my ship comes in I will probably be at the airport.

The 1998 Darwin Awards

They have finally been released! For those not familiar with the Darwin Award – It’s an annual honor given to the person who did the universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the most extraordinarily stupid way. As always, the competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event. Continue reading

1997 Darwin Awards

These awards are given each year to (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. Note there was a great improvement in the areas of teamwork and cooperation among the candidates in 1997– it’s no longer an individual sport. Here are (drum roll) the 1997 runners-up and winners: Continue reading

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.”

“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”

“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”

Mountain Climbers

Two mountain guides were climbing a particularly difficult mountain when one of them suddenly slipped and fell down a dark crevasse 500 feet deep. “Are you alright Ted?” called his partner. “Can you hear me?”

“I can hear you Sam.”

“Here, grab this rope and I’ll pull you up.”

“I can’t,” said Ted. “My arms are broken.”

“Well then, can you tie it around your legs?”

“I’m afraid not – they’re broken too.”

“Oh dear – well, grab it in your teeth then, Ted.”

“I’ll try,” answered Ted bravely. Sam began pulling slowly and carefully as Ted gripped the rope in his teeth. 400 feet. . . 300. . . 200. . . 100. . .

“Hey Ted” Sam called down into the darkness, “are you doing ok?”
Ted replied, “I’m doing fi. . . AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!