Clean, family friendly, office safe humor

Thoughts on Marriage

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.

Any husband who says. “My wife and I are completely equal partners,” is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge.

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterward.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds.

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It’s a whole different way of thinking.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, “There is water in the carburetor.” I said, “Where’s the car?” She said, “In the lake.”

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other replied, “Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.”

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months – I don’t like to interrupt her.

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A husband said to his wife, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.”

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, “OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death.”

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

A man celebrating his 75th wedding anniversary was asked to explain the secret of a long, happy marriage. He quickly responded, “when you have the last word in an argument, it had better be ‘yes, ma’am’ or ‘no ma’am'”.

 

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