The Mormon Missionary’s Articles of Faith -or- The Articles Defaced
1. We believe in black Reebok tracting shoes, argyles, and obnoxious slacks.
2. We believe that an elder will be punished for his own sins as well as his companion’s transgressions.
3. We believe that through little effort of their own, all elders will go bald according to the laws and statutes of nature.
4. We believe that the first counsels and advice of the mission are: First, faith in the nutrition of peanut butter. Second, spaghetti. Third, Milk of Magnesia for the remission of errors in cooking. Fourth, the leaning on of members for the
gift of free meals.
5. We believe that an elder must tract in rain, wind, and similar circumstances, due to the threats of those in authority to restrict his privileges and administer punishment thereof.
6. We believe in the same organization that exists in other missions, namely: Presidents, Assistants, Bucking Machines, Office Peons, Party Correlators, etc.
7. We believe in the gifts of cookies, cakes, candy, donuts, money, etc.
8. We believe the president to be the head of the mission until he is translated accordingly. We also believe the Assistants to be the head of the mission.
9. We believe in eating all food that the members have prepared, all that they do now prepare, and we believe that they will yet prepare many inspiring meals according to the persuasion of the elders.
10. We believe in the literal gathering of the Daughters of Zion and that Zion will be built upon the American continent, and seven women will cling to an elder upon his arrival home.
11. We claim the privilege of writing home according to the dictates of our own schedule, and allow all missionaries the same privilege; let them write whom, how, where, and what they may.
12. We believe in not being subject to stop signs, yield signs, speed limits, nor common sense, in smashing, crashing, and abusing mission cars.
13. We believe in being handsome, chased, magnificent, flirtatious, and in saying “hi” to all women. Indeed we may say we follow no admonition at all. We question all things, we bother all things, we have put off many things, and hope to be able to put off all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after her immediately following our release.
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