Safe Jokes

Clean, family friendly, office safe humor


Oxymorons are two words that contradict each other.

50. Act naturally

49. Found missing

48. Resident alien Continue reading

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Environmentally Correct Noah

And the Lord said to Noah, “In six months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.” And in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for an Ark.”OK,” said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints. “Six months and it starts to rain,” thundered the Lord. “You’d better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.” Continue reading

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Twas the night before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hackers a surfing, Geeks? Ya you b;et! Continue reading

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Twas the night before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode

only one creature was stirring, and she was cleaning the commode. Continue reading

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The Mormon Missionary’s Articles of Faith -or- The Articles Defaced

1. We believe in black Reebok tracting shoes, argyles, and obnoxious slacks. Continue reading

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Math thru the ages

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.
What is his profit? Continue reading

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Managers verses Engineers

A group of managers was given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they’re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures – the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they’re trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. “Isn’t that just like an engineer, we’re looking for the height and he gives us the length.”

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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated “If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 mi/gal.” Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement “Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?” Continue reading

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A magazine recently ran a “Dilbert quotes” contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submittals… Continue reading

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Lies of an American President

Dad: Son, come in here, we need to talk.

Son: What’s up, Dad?

Dad: There’s a scratch down the side of the car. Did you do it? Continue reading

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