Safe Jokes

Clean, family friendly, office safe humor

Close my account…

A man (MAN) calls his fx dealer (DEALER) all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says,
MAN: Close all my positions, everything fast, right away.

The fx dealer tries to talk to the man but the man says,
MAN: Let me tell you a secret. You know I’ve been married for 6 years now and I’ve been your client for 5 years.

DEALER: Yes, go on, the FX dealer says.

MAN: Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the GBP crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the FX market and always leave all our money under the mattress.

DEALER: Wow, I didn’t know that. I guess you want the money because you are losing.

MAN: No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days.

Loan me money…

John meets his buddy George and asks hims:
John: Do me a favour, could you lend me $100?
George checks in his wallet and his pockets, then replies:
George: Sorry, pal. I got only $50.
John: Only 50? Never mind. Give give me the 50 you have, and you owe me another $50.

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A forex guru (GURU) walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. There the waiter (WAITER) asks him: WAITER: Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?
GURU: I’m feeling rather hungry right now. You’d better cut it into eight pieces.

The market may be bad…

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

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The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they’re smart.

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The real measure of your wealth is how much you’d be worth if you lost all your money.

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An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

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If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster. (c) Clint Eastwood

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What’s considered enough money? Just a little bit more. (c) Will Rogers

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If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars. (c) J. Paul Getty