Safe Jokes

Clean, family friendly, office safe humor

Feudalism, Communism, Capitalism…

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your Lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help take care of them and you share the milk.

Militarism: You have two cows. The State takes both and drafts you.

Mafia: You have two cows. You give one to the Godfather on the day of his daughter’s wedding. In return, he doesn’t have your legs broken.

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The governement takes them both and denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

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Stockbroker and Minister go to heaven…

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of Noo Yawk City.” Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the stockbroker, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The stockbroker goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn.

He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a stockbroker — he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; his clients, they prayed!”

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Going to heaven…

A teacher, a doctor and an investment banker die and are in heaven.

God asks the teacher why he should be let into heaven, and the teacher explains to God that he taught small children how to read and write. God says, “Welcome to heaven, my son.”

God then asks the doctor what he had done in life that should allow him into heaven. “I saved people’s lives by curing their illnesses,” the doctor replies. “Welcome to heaven, my son,” God says.

God then turns to the investment banker. God asked him what he was, and the man replied that as an investment banker, he helped banks package their subprime mortgages into highly marketable CDOs. “Welcome to heaven, my son,” says God, “but you have to leave in two days.”

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The American dream…

An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Greek village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna.

The American complimented the Greek on the quality of his fish and asked, “How long does it take to catch them?” The Greek replied: “Only a little while.”

The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Greek said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”
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Excellent trade, Sir…

Bill Clinton was getting off Air Force One carrying a small puppy and the marine at the foot of the steps asked “What do you have there Mr. President?”

Bill replied I got a puppy for Hillary.

Marine says “Excellent trade Sir!

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Close my account…

A man (MAN) calls his fx dealer (DEALER) all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says,
MAN: Close all my positions, everything fast, right away.

The fx dealer tries to talk to the man but the man says,
MAN: Let me tell you a secret. You know I’ve been married for 6 years now and I’ve been your client for 5 years.

DEALER: Yes, go on, the FX dealer says.

MAN: Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the GBP crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the FX market and always leave all our money under the mattress.

DEALER: Wow, I didn’t know that. I guess you want the money because you are losing.

MAN: No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days.

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Loan me money…

John meets his buddy George and asks hims:
John: Do me a favour, could you lend me $100?
George checks in his wallet and his pockets, then replies:
George: Sorry, pal. I got only $50.
John: Only 50? Never mind. Give give me the 50 you have, and you owe me another $50.

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A forex guru (GURU) walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. There the waiter (WAITER) asks him: WAITER: Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?
GURU: I’m feeling rather hungry right now. You’d better cut it into eight pieces.

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The market may be bad…

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

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The market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they’re smart.

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The real measure of your wealth is how much you’d be worth if you lost all your money.

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An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

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If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster. (c) Clint Eastwood

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What’s considered enough money? Just a little bit more. (c) Will Rogers

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If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars. (c) J. Paul Getty

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