Safe Jokes

Clean, family friendly, office safe humor

Stress Diet

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day. Try it! Continue reading

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Standards of Conduct for President of the United States

In 1974 a young female attorney helped draw up the rules under which Richard M. Nixon would be tried by the Congress for impeachment. “Impeachment,” she wrote, “did not have to be for criminal offenses-but only for a ‘course of conduct’ that suggested an abuse of power or a disregard for the office of the President of the United States.”

She wrote, “that a person’s ‘course of conduct’ while not particularly criminal could be of such a nature that it destroys trust, discourages allegiance, and demands action by the Congress.” She wrote that “the office of the President is such that it calls for a higher level of conduct than the average citizen in the United States.”

This young female attorney who helped write the standard under which Presidents are to be judged by the House of Representatives has a unique perspective on the present situation in the White House. You see, that female attorney who said that an unethical “course of conduct” could overthrow a president is now the First Lady, Hillary Rodham Clinton.

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Speech-Recognition Demo

At a recent Sacramento PC User’s Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.

Just then someone in the back of the room yelled,

“Format C: Return.”

Someone else chimed in:

“Yes, Return”

Unfortunately, the software worked.

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Bart Simpson’s Punishment

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BART SIMPSON’S PUNISHMENT…
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The opening credits of “The Simpsons” shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on a chalkboard; the old “write it 100 times” punishment, which establishes him as a troublemaker. Each episode is different.
Someone apparently went to the trouble of taping all the Simpsons, watching them all and writing down what Bart is writing on the board.
These are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits. Even if you’re not a fan, you’ll like these: Continue reading

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Politically correct- Twas the night before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Santa’s a wreck…
How to live in a world that’s politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to “Elves”,
“Vertically Challenged” they were calling themselves. Continue reading

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WHAT ARE YOU SMUGGLING?

by J Russom

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Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the bags?”

“Sand,” answered Juan.

The guard says, “We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike.” The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”

“Sand,” says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. It’s all I think about….. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?”

Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”

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Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked “intellectual leadership”. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence… Continue reading

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The Rabbit’s Thesis

Scene: It’s a fine sunny day in the forest; and a rabbit is sitting outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his laptop. Along comes a fox, out for a walk. Continue reading

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Change your phone number

Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people, she did something about it. Continue reading

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The President should resign

“Yes, the President should resign. He has lied to the American people, time and time again, and betrayed their trust. Since he has admitted guilt, there is no reason to put the American people through an impeachment. He will serve absolutely no purpose in finishing out his term. The only possible solution is for the president to save some dignity and resign.”

– 12th Congressional District Hopeful William Jefferson Clinton, during the Nixon investigations in 1972.

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