Clean, family friendly, office safe humor

What I Didn’t Know Before I Had Kids

How many seconds it takes to microwave 4 fish sticks perfectly.

Who John Jacob Jingle Heimershmitt is.

How to change a diaper in the dark, in a parked car, on a standing child – and all of the above simultaneously.

Which lines of The Cat in the Hat and If I Ran the Circus can be skipped over without a child noticing.

How bright a 3 a.m. full moon is.

The design marvels of hooded towels, Velcro-strap shoes and mitten clips.

Locations of public restrooms all across town.

Why anyone would bother retracing their steps for miles just to retrieve a lost blankie.

That tigers live in the trees in our backyard.

The amazing technicolor variety of infant stool.

How to open a van door while bobbling 2 lunch boxes, two extra coats, a purse, a diaper bag and a baby.

The fine art of vacuuming a floor without hosing up a Barbie shoe or a Playmobile cannonball.

That solid white socks get lost in the dryer at a much slower rate than do the mates of patterned socks that coordinate to special outfits.

How little sleep a human body truly needs to function.

Almost every Disney lyric ever penned.

How to spell amoxicillin.

That one can never own too many sippy cup lids or refrigerator magnets.

Scientific names of dinosaurs from A to Z.

That reverse psychology really works.

The recipe for a homemade version of Play-doh.

That Duplo and Lego blocks procreate in the night.

The distinctive sounds of Cheerios crunching underfoot.

Why they call them Happy Meals.

The names of the leaders of Celesteville, Busytown and the Pride Lands (Babar, Mayor Fox, and Mufasa, Scar, and Simba)

How far you can dilute juice and still retain its taste.

That man (or child anyway) really can live on peanut butter alone.

That gender inequality starts early in clothing: Boy’s underpants have a wide band on top, while the waistband and leg holes on girls look the same, increasing the odds that she’ll pull ’em on tangled or upside down.

Sesame Street’s air time.

The remarkable resemblance of a state-of-Florida puzzle piece (or a plastic hammer, a splay-legged Barbie or a piece of cheese scultped just so by tiny bites) to a gun.

That the bunny’s name isn’t Pat.

Translations of myella, babana, panyo, snunk, maldations, and nibbles (vanilla, banana, piano, skunk, dalmations and nipples).

That the more my kids learn, the less I seem to know.

The blessedness of naps, the inviolate importance of routines.

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