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Men

GIFT WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN

This is the time of year we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar and Herb, went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the Book of Matthew, “… presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh.”

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper. If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so: “And lo, the gifts were insideth 600 square cubits of paper. And the paper was festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman. And Joseph was going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him… she saideth, ‘Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!’ And Joseph did rolleth his eyeballs. And the baby Jesus was more interested in the paper than the frankincense.”

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion. This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is
“if it’s such a poor gift that I don’t want to be there when the person opens it.” The other is Gene, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. “No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas,” Gene said.
“They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs.”

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.)

If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh’s body would be covered only by Scotch tape. On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting…

Gift-Wrapping Tip For Men:

Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it’s myrrh.

The editors of Woman’s Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

If you’re giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning.

YOUR WIFE MAY ASK: “Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?”

YOU: “It’s a gift! See? It has a bow!”

YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): “It’s a leaf blower.”

YOU: “Gas-powered! Five horsepower!”

YOUR WIFE: “I want a divorce.”

YOU: “I also got you some myrrh.”

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

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And then the fighting started…

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,   “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…
________________________________

I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.   ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.
So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’
And that’s when the fight started…
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first?
‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’
He said, ‘ Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
‘Nah, she can order for herself.’
And that’s when the fight started…
________________________________

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’
And then the fight started…
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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.   She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 3 seconds.’
I bought her a scale..
And then the fight started…
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, ‘Do you know him?’
‘Yes,’ she sighed, He’s my old boyfriend…  I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ I said, ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And then the fight started…
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I rear-ended a car this morning… So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!!      He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’
So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’
And then the fight started…
________________________________

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER:
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf?  Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.’
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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Wedding Fairy

A married couple in their early 60 ‘ s were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant…..
Continue reading

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The rules for dealing with men…

The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.

Finally, the guys’ side of the story (I must admit, it’s pretty good).

We always hear ‘the rules’ from the female side ..

Now here are the rules from the male side.

Please note.. these are all numbered “1” ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday is for Sports! It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and Void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, PLEASE say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing”, we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… REALLY!

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

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Women drivers…

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph, with her face up next to her rear view mirror, putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds!

And when I looked back, she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.

As a man, I don’t scare easily.

But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the darn phone, soaked my trousers, And disconnected an important call.

Stupid women drivers!

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High School Reunion

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my  high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as  she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asks, “Do you know  her?”

“Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My Gosh!” says my wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?

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