There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
“Well, whatcha gonna do about it?” he says, menacingly, as I suddenly burst into tears.
“Oh, come on, man,” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying.”
“This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me.”
“So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jerk, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how’s your day going?”
“I’m going fishing.”
Really means… “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.” Continue reading
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Continue reading
Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. Continue reading
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.
1. Avoid Cutting Yourself When Slicing Vegetables by Getting Someone Else to Hold the Vegetables While You Chop.
A man wakes up with a major hangover from his work’s Christmas party. As he starts to focus on the room, he notices 2 aspirin and a glass of water by the bed. He also notices that the room is cleaner than normal.
A blind guy in a bar says to the bartender, “Want to hear the latest blonde joke”?
A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his Audience. He Said: “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife.
SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine..