Clean, family friendly, office safe humor

Management

Managers verses Engineers

A group of managers was given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they’re falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures – the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they’re trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers and walks away.

After the engineer has gone, one manager turns to another and laughs. “Isn’t that just like an engineer, we’re looking for the height and he gives us the length.”

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MANAGEMENT QUOTES

A magazine recently ran a “Dilbert quotes” contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some of the submittals… Continue reading

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Dilbert’s Salary Law

Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives. Now we have proof that explains why this is true: Continue reading

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MAJOR U.S. RESEARCH UNIVERSITY DISCOVERS NEW ELEMENT!!

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by investigators at a major U.S. research university.

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Native American Indian In Cafe

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, “Me want um coffee”.
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Business memos

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
(Microsoft Corporation – this one took first place)

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Memo Degradation

Memo from CEO to Manager:
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Today at 11 o’clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is
when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is
something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for
employees to view the eclipse in the parking lot. Staff should meet in
the lot at ten to eleven, when I will deliver a short speech introducing
the eclipse, and giving some background information. Safety goggles will
be made available at a small cost.
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The Spoon

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?”

“Well,” he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was rather impressed.

I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter’s fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh certainly!” he answered, lowering his voice. “Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom.” “How so?” “See,” he continued, “by tying this string to the tip of your you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent.”

After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well,” he whispered, lowering his voice even further, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”

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Hello boss? I can’t come to work today…

If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
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The Requirements Of This Job

Employer: “In this job we need someone who is responsible.”

Applicant: “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”

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