Clean, family friendly, office safe humor

Aging

YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN THE ’90’S WHEN . . .

21. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

20. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they don’t have email addresses.

19. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN’s home page to your bookmarks.

18. You have a “to do list” that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.

17. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

16. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.

15. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inner-office Mail painfully slow.

14. You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical.

13. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

12. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don’t even exist anymore.

10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

9. You get all excited when it’s Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.

8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

5. You think that “progressing an action plan” and “calendarizing a project” are acceptable English phrases.

4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next-door neighbors.

3. You ask your friends to “think out of the box” when making Friday night plans.

2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

And, the number one sign you work in the nineties:

1. You think a “half-day” means leaving at 5 o’clock.

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Here are some funny epitaphs from real tombstones

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good Die Young. Continue reading

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Give the frog a loan

A large green frog, covered all over with long green hair, hops into a bank, jumps up on the counter, and says to the young blond teller, “I want a loan.” Continue reading

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E-mail virus

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton, McAfee, AVG cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1960.
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YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when…

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
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CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Oprah show, you too can find inner peace.
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Selling Pretzels

A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunch time and, as he passed her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but would never take a pretzel.

This went on for more than five years. The two of them never spoke.

One day as the man passed the old lady’s pretzel stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzel woman spoke to him, “Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has increased to 35 cents.”

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Once a Year Sale

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 9:00, the store’s opening time, in front of the store.

A elderly man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curse. On the man’s second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again.

As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, “That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won’t open the store!”

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A retired mind

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So, I’m wearing my garage door opener. I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn’t like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is ‘when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.’

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.

I’ve gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’ Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company!’

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘A Good Doctor’!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

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Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over..? I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.  
Love you,  
Vinnie

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