Clean, family friendly, office safe humor

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What I Didn’t Know Before I Had Kids

How many seconds it takes to microwave 4 fish sticks perfectly. Continue reading

YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN THE ’90’S WHEN . . .

21. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

20. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they don’t have email addresses.

19. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN’s home page to your bookmarks.

18. You have a “to do list” that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.

17. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

16. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.

15. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inner-office Mail painfully slow.

14. You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical.

13. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

12. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don’t even exist anymore.

10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

9. You get all excited when it’s Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.

8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

5. You think that “progressing an action plan” and “calendarizing a project” are acceptable English phrases.

4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next-door neighbors.

3. You ask your friends to “think out of the box” when making Friday night plans.

2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

And, the number one sign you work in the nineties:

1. You think a “half-day” means leaving at 5 o’clock.

Why we should feel sorry for tech support people

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman then responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his¬†computer is working fine.” Continue reading

Standards of Conduct for President of the United States

In 1974 a young female attorney helped draw up the rules under which Richard M. Nixon would be tried by the Congress for impeachment. “Impeachment,” she wrote, “did not have to be for criminal offenses-but only for a ‘course of conduct’ that suggested an abuse of power or a disregard for the office of the President of the United States.”

She wrote, “that a person’s ‘course of conduct’ while not particularly criminal could be of such a nature that it destroys trust, discourages allegiance, and demands action by the Congress.” She wrote that “the office of the President is such that it calls for a higher level of conduct than the average citizen in the United States.”

This young female attorney who helped write the standard under which Presidents are to be judged by the House of Representatives has a unique perspective on the present situation in the White House. You see, that female attorney who said that an unethical “course of conduct” could overthrow a president is now the First Lady, Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Speech-Recognition Demo

At a recent Sacramento PC User’s Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.

Just then someone in the back of the room yelled,

“Format C: Return.”

Someone else chimed in:

“Yes, Return”

Unfortunately, the software worked.

Bart Simpson’s Punishment

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BART SIMPSON’S PUNISHMENT…
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The opening credits of “The Simpsons” shows Bart Simpson writing the same sentence over and over again on a chalkboard; the old “write it 100 times” punishment, which establishes him as a troublemaker. Each episode is different.
Someone apparently went to the trouble of taping all the Simpsons, watching them all and writing down what Bart is writing on the board.
These are the collected writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits. Even if you’re not a fan, you’ll like these: Continue reading

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