Safe Jokes

Clean, family friendly, office safe humor

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You Might Be An Engineer If . . .

If you introduce your wife as “mylady@home.wife”

If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner Continue reading

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THE WORLD’S EASIEST QUIZ?

– Submitted by Sam S.

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(Answers at the bottom Hey – NO Cheating)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI’s first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) How long did the Thirty Years War last?

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ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.

2) Ecuador.

3) From sheep and horses.

4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.

5) Squirrel fur.

6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria – Island of the Dogs.

7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of

Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert.

8) Distinctively crimson.

9) New Zealand.

10) Thirty years, of course. From 1618 to 1648.

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Wise sayings

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let em’ go, ’cause man, they’re gone!!

Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way you are a mile away and you have their shoes!!

When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on!!

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face!!

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they’d never expect it.

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you can not do!!

The light at the end of the tunnel is a freight train.

Opportunity knocks, but temptation kicks the door down.

When my ship comes in I will probably be at the airport.

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Bits of wisdom gained by a father

These are bits of wisdom gained by a father who was educated by his rather active children. Continue reading

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What Men Really Mean When They Say …

“I’m going fishing.”
Really means… “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.” Continue reading

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What I Didn’t Know Before I Had Kids

How many seconds it takes to microwave 4 fish sticks perfectly. Continue reading

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YOU KNOW YOU WORK IN THE ’90’S WHEN . . .

21. Cleaning up the dining area means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.

20. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they don’t have email addresses.

19. Keeping up with sports entails adding ESPN’s home page to your bookmarks.

18. You have a “to do list” that includes entries for lunch and bathroom breaks and they are usually the ones that never get crossed off.

17. You have actually faxed your Christmas list to your parents.

16. Pick up lines now include a reference to liquid assets and capital gains.

15. You consider 2nd day Air Delivery and Inner-office Mail painfully slow.

14. You assume any question about whether to valet park or not is rhetorical.

13. You refer to your dining room table as the flat filing cabinet.

12. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.

11. Your grocery list has been on your refrigerator so long some of the products don’t even exist anymore.

10. You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

9. You get all excited when it’s Saturday so you can wear sweats to work.

8. You refer to the tomatoes grown in your garden as deliverables.

7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the most expensive restaurant in town within the same week.

5. You think that “progressing an action plan” and “calendarizing a project” are acceptable English phrases.

4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next-door neighbors.

3. You ask your friends to “think out of the box” when making Friday night plans.

2. You think Einstein would have been more effective had he put his ideas into a matrix.

And, the number one sign you work in the nineties:

1. You think a “half-day” means leaving at 5 o’clock.

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Thoughts on Marriage

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. Continue reading

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The Evolution of Mom

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first: Continue reading

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Why we should feel sorry for tech support people

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under Windows.” The woman then responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his¬†computer is working fine.” Continue reading

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