Safe Jokes

Clean, family friendly, office safe humor

A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.

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Games which increase the power of your mind


I’ve created many games for the Kindle & Android that increase the power of your mind. The games were designed to not only test your knowledge, but to increase it through the power of play.

Some of my games include:

  • Foreign Currency Exchange
  • US Constitution
  • Political Principles
  • States & Nicknames
  • People of the Bible
  • Family History Vocabulary
  • Scripture Mastery

Features of the games:

  • Multiple choice game
  • Keeps track of your score
  • Keeps track of your time
  • Shows your highest score
  • Shows the correct answer
  • Shows your fastest time
  • Rewards you when you achieve 100%

Are you ready?… Then let’s begin.

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What is the internal temperature of a Tom-tom?

Q. What is the internal temperature of a Tom-tom?

A. Luke-warm.

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Jim Gaffigan, Brian Regan, other comedians find that ‘clean’ works for them

Jeff Allen wanted to stop swearing.

For the Southerner who grew up among blue-collar construction workers, cursing was always part of his everyday language — and it filled his comedy routines. But when Allen found himself struggling in his career as a stand-up comic, he decided to see if dropping the swear words would help.

So he took his young son with him to his acts at the nightclub, offering to pay him 25 cents for every curse word that slipped through.

Although it took some adjusting — he owed his son as much as $3 by the end of one show — Allen found that once he did away with the swearing, he had a pretty clean act. He also found his stories getting funnier and more eloquent because he was forced to dig deeper instead of falling back on curse words as punch lines.

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Best Presidential Joke of the Year

President Obama walked into the bank to cash a check. As he approached the cashier he said, “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me?”
“It would be my pleasure sir. Would you please show me your ID?”

“Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA!!!!”
“Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the Dodd-Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID.

“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”
“I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”

“I order you to cash this check!”
“Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.

Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?”

Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, “Honestly, I can’t think of a single thing. I don’t have a clue what to do.

“Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?

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The 2.99 Special

We went to breakfast at a restaurant Where the ‘Seniors Special’ was Two eggs, bacon, hash browns And toast for $2.99.  ‘Sounds good,’ my wife said, ‘But I don’t want the eggs.’

‘Then, I’ll have to charge you $3.49 Because you’re ordering a la carte,’  The waitress warned her.

‘You mean I’d have to pay for Not taking the eggs?’  My wife asked incredulously.

‘Yes!’ stated the waitress.  ‘I’ll take the special then,’ my wife said.

‘How do you want your eggs?’  The waitress asked.

‘Raw and in the shell,’ my wife replied.

She took the two eggs home And baked a cake.

DON’T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We’ve been around The block more than once!

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New kind of Supermarket

Checkout this supermarket that will change the way we buy groceries.

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You’ve been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here are the 2013 Darwin Awards:

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Never Argue with a Woman

One afternoon, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.

The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, ‘Good Afternoon, Ma’am… What are you doing?’

‘Reading a book,’ she replies, (thinking, ‘Isn’t that obvious?’)

‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her.

‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.’

‘Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.

For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’

‘If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,’ says the woman.

‘But I haven’t even touched you,’ says the Game Warden.

‘That’s true, but you have all the equipment..

For all I know you could start at any moment.’

‘Have a nice day ma’am,’ and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.

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The urine sample

One time I got sick and landed in hospital.

There was this one nurse that just drove me crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to me like I was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, “And how are we doing this morning?” Or “Are we ready for a bath?” or “Are we hungry?”

I had had enough of this particular nurse.

One day at breakfast, I took the apple juice off the tray and put it in my bedside stand. Later I was given a urine sample bottle to fill for testing. So you know where the juice went!

The nurse came in a while later, picked up the urine sample bottle, looked at it and said, “My, my, it seems we are a little cloudy today.”

At this, I snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and gulped it down, saying, “Well, I’ll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time!”

The nurse fainted… I just smiled.

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